Blackout. Pass out. Night sweats. Hangover. Happy Hour. Repeat.
This was my life for about 20 years.
Things didn’t really spiral out of control until I started trying to take control. This is rather common, only I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know anything at the time.
One thing I HAVE learned is alcohol is a poison. And what it does to you mentally, physically and biologically is mind blowing. I’m not a researcher, doctor or even an expert. But you can look at my photos, from active drinker to teetotaler, and see that it’s the truth. Water doesn’t make you look like this first picture.
I was killing myself. Quickly. Not just my body. My self confidence. My dreams. My brain. Facts, memories, details….gone. My relationships were also dying. And I was to drunk to see or even care.
I tried to log some sober time. It never lasted long. I signed up for a half marathon, thinking with all that training I would HAVE to drink less. That was a pointless 75.00 entry fee lost. But to be fair I was drunk when I signed up, so it seemed brilliant at the time.
Throwing bits of information out into the world, especially of a personal nature is quite scary. And I honestly hope my parents, grandmother, random relatives, co-workers or ex-whatever’s do not read this.
What I do hope for is that the person looking for a way to break free, the person looking to finally discover the magic of a sober life, the person who thinks drinking is necessary or normal, who can’t stand the thought of a social function, date night or Netflix on the sofa without a cocktail or 10. I want to talk to YOU. I want you to know what I am still learning. And that is life is amazing and beautiful and fun. It doesn’t require a filter or numbing agent or kick starter. It is fine just the way it is. But great day in the morning, it’s hard to get there. I would never have been able to get sober and begin the process of reclaiming my life if other people had not shared their stories. By them sharing openly and honestly, their struggles and triumphs, the good and the unthinkable, I felt a little less alone. I received encouragement, grace and started to string together my sober life.
So here we are. And while I am writing this for you, I am also writing this for me. A constant reminder to myself, that I never, ever want to slip down that slippery slope again. The next time, it might kill me. And I would very much rather have me alive.